Before After
I know I've kept a few of you at cliff's edge since my last post, about mourning and moving forward. Also, I don't want to tip my hand too much about what I've written for Yizkor on Yom Kippur, so I'll just share a few comments here about the mourning process (one of the few Jewish rituals that makes so much sense) about how I've found comfort, and a few suggestions for all of us to think about in the process of comforting mourners.
My Shloshim for my mother ended Shabbat morning, which was a sufficiently convenient time except for the whole shave and a haircut thing. I'm not so fastidious about my haircut schedule, but I was about 10-14 days past my normal comfort zone (think Sheldon Cooper of Big Bang Theory) and I really wanted to shave, at least my neck. That waited until Sunday morning, before Shacharit. Thank you to everyone who came for the Shloshim service, breakfast and study that followed in my Mom's memory.
I've let go of most of the negative stuff; I had a good head start in Israel, and then some friends wrote some really thoughtful notes about kind, funny, even ridiculous stuff my mother did and so I've found focusing on those things have helped me move past the negative stuff that I think I felt more or less exclusively to a broader more forgiving image of my mother as social connector at Cedar Village, lifelong student, gift shop lady at Knesset Israel and regular hostess of many Shabbat and holiday meals. Time and distance do have healing qualities, at least they have for me.
In trying to be self reflective about what I have found most useful when people come to offer words of comfort here's what I have to say: hugs, followed by enough silence to allow the mourner to speak first, are what have been most comforting to me. If you know me well enough to know about my baggage (I have trouble packing light - I always bring stuff "just in case" even though I've rarely needed stuff that I couldn't just get at my destination) just giving me a hug and waiting for me to speak have been the most helpful encounters - let me decide what I want to share, how I want to share it, and decide what I find to be a blessing and what I don't - I've already, perhaps overly harshly, critiqued our traditional words of comfort. Some friends and colleagues have tried really hard to show me how the traditional greetings are really okay. I think if you have to work that hard to justify them, there could possibly be a problem, but as I said earlier - I understand you are invoking 2000 years of tradition and appreciate the intention of your words of comfort. Just understand they may not be appropriate in every situation.
Now, if you don't mind (if you do, you can stop reading here), a few words about what we have done to shiva in North America and some suggestions to perhaps reign it in a bit:
1. Shiva is exhausting for the mourner. The emotional strain, whatever the relationship with the met, especially if the death follows a final, even prolonged illness and the physical act of receiving guests, sometimes throughout the day, or mornings and evenings for minyan, is very tiring at a time when the mourner is already emotionally drained and perhaps not sleeping well. We do a disservice to the healing intention of shiva when we turn the shiva house into a week-long social event complete with catered meals and the expectation of feeding the visitors - more about this below. By all means come and be present, listen to the mourner and follow their cues. We may need to think about holding back on the chit chat a bit.
2. The Food. Enough food should be provided so that the mourners don't have to provide for themselves during the week. Period. End of sentence. There is no obligation, nor should their be an expectation that the mourners feed the community giving them comfort during the week. I can't count the number of shiva houses I've visited where I'm commanded to eat because "there is so much food and we have no place to put it anymore, so please, everyone, eat." I know that when we are uncomfortable in a situation, when someone is sad and we want to be supportive but we really don't know what to say, a babka, or a platter of cheese and fruit or a box of cookies can be a substitute for the words we just don't have. Resist the urge to substitute cake and bagels for a hug, love and concern. The food, and putting out the food, and storing the food safely between services and figuring out what to do with all the uneaten food when shiva is over, all place burdens on mourners and those closest to them taking care of their care and feeding. Those closest to the family, and usually we can all figure out who those people are, know just what the family needs, and in what amounts and are just overwhelmed by the volume of food that comes into the American Shiva house. I am so grateful that I didn't have this issue (and that Judy wasn't forced into a position to manage this despite her logistical prowess) by sitting Shiva in Israel. I put out some fruit and cold water for the people who came while I was sitting. Somehow, that was sufficient. There is so much to get rid of after shiva, food shouldn't be added to the equation.
3. Other mitzvot that flow from mourning - I am really finding comfort in my return to morning minyan, and I hope I can maintain it as an ongoing habit. I know it's not for everyone, and there is certainly nothing wrong with becoming a regular at evening minyan if you're not inclined to be a morning mourning person (get it?), and I know I started from a point of being comfortable and facile with our liturgy. I'm enjoying the rhythm, the comfort, the companionship of the men and women (some who come once a week, but they're there each week when their day comes around) who regularly attend with the added appearances of those who come when observing a yahrzeit. Also by my being there, I am helping others who are seeking a minyan, so it's not just about my needs.
Donations to a tzedakah, whether at my suggestion or your choosing is a great way to let me know you're thinking about my family. I'm glad some good and needed help flows to others in need to honor my family member. I'd rather a food bank feeding truly hungry people get what they need instead of a dozen bagels for my freezer.
So, since I get asked almost every day, I'll tell you, I'm really doing okay. I have very few and brief minutes of sadness, really just passing moments, every 2-3 days, more from getting emotional by the support and friendship I've been shown than anything else. I don't see a problem from fixed daily prayer being part of a routine - saying kaddish four times during the morning service, I think its okay if some of them are a bit more automatic and some are more meaningful. You can be an All Star with a .325 batting average and that's good enough for me. Like Nora McInerny said (you really should watch her TED talk if you haven't yet) I'm moving forward with my grief, not moving on from it. My mother, the positive and negative traits, will always be a part of my life. How I act based on that knowledge seems to be what really matters most right now.
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