A few thoughts on my last full day (6) of Shiva.
I want to start by stating that I have a lot of respect for our tradition. I've often said that our mourning rituals are actually one of the few traditions that are rational, reasonable, psychologically effective and even logical. To move through a succession of states of grief where first all responsibilities other than burying the dead are suspended, then a week of intense grieving where (in an ideal or normal) situation the mourner intensively and immersively grieves without even leaving the house (more on that to come), then a slightly less intense period of another 23 days to ease your re-entry into community outside of your home and finally, for a parent, 10 more months of daily recognition that someone elemental to you, accounting for 50% of your DNA (and in my case, my freckles) is gone.
I am a serious, conservative Jew. I observe Shabbat and holidays, and kashrut. I go to synagogue nearly every shabbat (as I get older I take the occasional week off and sometimes allow the weather to dictate my attendance). I usually enjoy praying. I study and teach Torah. The unofficial motto of our movement is Tradition and Change; that's in part where I find comfort, and yes, some wiggle room, to modify tradition and try to observe those things in spirit that I cannot observe to the letter.
My shiva has had, by necessity, to be adaptive. I did not have Judy's logistical expertise to arrange things in the house or Abby and Michelle and Mat's insights and observations on my complicated Mother - Son relationship and how I did or didn't navigate it effectively. My rabbi has been available by phone as have many other rabbis (including, during the JNF seminar my new friend Moshe Schwartz, who really was a comfort). I did not have my B'nai Israel community to fill my home and my life with their presence (though they have done a great job digitally to stay in touch). I did not have my colleagues from JEA (except for Teri Hochberg, who gives great hugs) or my DC hevra of colleagues to accompany me on this journey, I did not have my CIE family here. Thankfully, I was not buried under an avalanche of food, I have only 2 siblings, but as best as I can can figure out, there have been at least 3 locations for shiva in the US. But I've more or less figured out a shiva that has respect for tradition and flexibility to deal with my unique problem of being away.
I am fortunate to know my way around Israel and have pockets of friends and support around the country. I was able to find a morning minyan at at reasonable hour (0700) at a shul I had visited before with friendly people in Pardes Hanna, only 10 minutes from where I am staying in Binyamina, so I have left the house every day to attend minyan. Evening minyan has been more of a problem. Starting Monday I will be in Aviezer, and I understand that there is minyan at 0530 in the moshav. At least I'll have an early start to the day.
A few brave souls have managed to come and sit with me, and it's been great. More of you have called on WhatsApp or FaceTime, I zoomed with some of you, and have read hundreds of Facebook Messages and comments on my posts, emails. There may be some merit to social media, the interwebs and digital communication if a person can be comforted by their use while sitting shiva - that has certainly been my experience. I will think about this more, and I may even write some of this up, for the CIE blog or eJP or some other publication where I can share with the right kind of audience.
By the way, two Israelis, close, long time friends who have been spending large chunks of time outside of Israel have been in touch about my last blog post to say I'm wrong about the rudeness (but one is Canadian-by-birth so he may be ultra sensitive since they're all so nice up there) issues, and that its evident when you spend a lot of time outside of Israel, you really see the contrast and how rude Israelis are. I'm just saying, this trip, I'm seeing it differently, but I am willing to admit I have a small sample size and could just be lucky. I'll take it.
So, a little less than 24 hours of shiva remain - then on with my travels, hopefully to include some wine research and some work on the elections. As my dear teacher in many things but particularly in the art of grieving a mother, my rabbi Jenna Turow said so well last week, I won't move on, but I will move forward with my grief, hoping that it gets lighter as time passes, as I declutter the needless stuff that surrounds my relationships and I get used to my status as a public mourner and my place in my community and the world.
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